Leaning forward to express interest in your dinner partner is a body language trick that's been used a million times over. But anyone who has headed out on a romantic evening knows that that locking eyes is one of the simplest but most effective ways to communicate without the need for conversation.

The eyes are supposed to be the window to the soul so how do you go about getting them to say what's on your mind? Almost half of people look into their partner's eyes to try to determine their mood, according to new research by Optrex. With two thirds of us saying that attraction is displayed in the eyes, how best to prime your pupils for some eye on eye action?

A bit of peeper practice is all you need and here to tell you how is Big Brother and Xtra Factor body language expert Judi James. Judi is joining us for an interactive web TV show so make sure you log in with your questions to maximise your eye effect and learn how to read the orbs of others!

H: Host, Jayne Constantinis
J: Judi James, body language expert

H: Hello and welcome to the Lifestyle Show, brought to you today by the eye care experts, Optrex, I'm Jayne Constantinis. Now then, leaning forward to express interest in your dinner partner is a body language trick that's been used a million times. But anyone who has headed out on a romantic evening knows that locking eyes is one of the simplest but most effective ways to communicate without the need for conversation. The eyes are supposed to be the window to the soul so it's not surprising then that almost three quarters of people say they look into their partner's eyes to try to determine their mood, that's according to a new study, commissioned by Optrex. Well to discuss this and more I'm delighted to be joined by Big Brother and Xtra Factor body language expert Judi James. Judi thanks very much for coming in, I'm probably sitting in a way that will tell you something awful about me

J: Don't worry!

H: Please don't! And we are of course live so if you've got a question for Judy just type it in the box on your screen, send it to us with your name of course and we'll get through as many as we can during the course of the show. So eyes – are they the most important factor in body language terms? Do they communicate the most about us?

J: Funnily enough they do, and I say funnily enough because for other animals they read bodies, but humans are the only animals that actually have a white showing all the time (of the eyes) and that means that things like eye direction is visible from a long way away, we can see eye expressions, so of all the animals, we're the ones that do it with the eyes, because they reveal so much – sometimes too much, that's why when people lie they usually use a cut-off gesture, they'll look down, because they know that it will be given away by the eyes. It's hard to lie with the eyes, if not impossible

H: Ah. But you can try can you to adopt various different techniques in say a professional situation or you know when you're dating – what – give us a few tips on what we should look out for in other people, what we should try to do?

J: Alright, we'll go for the dating thing first, because that's what everyone wants to know – meeting, dating and mating in whatever order you want to put that in. You know you get that phrase "their eyes met across a crowded room?" And I know people spend a lot of time learning how to flirt, you know all the hair flicking and the wine glass and stuff like that. In actual fact, all the information is projected via the eyes in a matter of seconds, to one another, so the thing about the eyes meeting, the actual change of eye expression, which probably you couldn't catch on camera even, but it will project from a long distance – Yes I'm interested in you, you can come over and chat to me – and most of that is done with – it's like a little ritual, so for a woman it will be you would actually catch the eye, then you would hold the gaze for perhaps half a second longer than normal, then you look away which is that shy, coy thing, that sounds awful in the days of women's lib, but you know we still have to do it, but the big thing is that you then look back up again, and that's it. I mean the deal's done almost from that moment, I mean obviously you can go off somebody when they get closer, but –

H: It's straight to the mating then is it?

J: That's it! Find a room and that's it

H: Shortcut the middle bit!

J: And I mean interestingly enough, with the dating, you mentioned it yourself, we – of the the first / second date, will be in a restaurant sitting right opposite, and without realising it why we do that is because it gives us a chance to look one another in the eye, and we're doing that because we're looking without realising it for pupil dilation – you've probably heard of it

H: Yes, yes

J: And somebody could sit there and if they've got their, if their pupils are like little pin pricks and they're saying I love you, I think you're gorgeous, you could disbelieve that – the pupils will need to dilate. Then you know that that person really likes you

H: And this business of you know across the room, holding the gaze and so on, is that something that we do instinctively or is it something that people learn to use?

J: Both really, I mean like all good body language, a) we do it instinctively but if you really wanted to impress somebody, I mean for instance if you think I'm not that keen but he looks rich – I want to stimulate interest, you can do it, the only trouble with learning body language, you need to be careful because most people, they forget the word "subtle" you know and instead of holding the gaze just for that half a second, they're doing some zombie like stare, and that won't work, so the key is don't overdo it

H: That's the bunny boiler syndrome

J: That is, that's the turn round and run out the room syndrome, yes, for him

H: Yes exactly. So that's in a kind of dating or romantic situation. What about in a work context, because I think these days everybody is a little bit more aware of how they present themselves and you know it's a very competitive work environment, what should we be looking out for there?

J: I think, I mean it is competitive, and at the same time it's becoming more competitive in terms of charisma, all the good communication skills and more and more people are limiting their communications on a daily basis to computer screens, so they're finding it harder to do the real stuff, so they are having to learn it because it's not any more a natural skill for people. I mean a lot of people are gesticulating with their fingers I've noticed because that's all they use normally to write, you know – they don't get out of that habit. Again people hear the phrase use more eye contact, and we should for leadership, to engage people, to sell things, to motivate people, but again the point is to be subtle with it, because I've seen people with job interviews, you know nervous – nervous university leavers and they're told use more eye contact and the next minute they're walking in and scaring people

H: Yes, yes

J: Because staring is another thing, staring is actually a sign of aggression, it's a sign of aggressive arousal, so you've got to get it from a good listening eye contact and contact eye contact and away from the staring, so the best tip to use is when you're speaking to somebody, vary it, so if you look away to think and look back and then look away to think, but when you're listening to somebody use 100% eye contact, but keep nodding as you're doing at the moment, otherwise it's a kind of – the wheel's turning and the hamster's died! Hello?

H: Yes exactly. Is there anybody there? Yes. And when the situation's kind of reversed, when we're the ones who are trying to interpret from the person that's across the table or whatever, what should we be looking out for? I think you said if you look away you're lying

J: well I mean body language is not – before everybody goes home and beats their partner up because they looked away, it's not a precise science, however one of the things that people have been proven to do when they lie is if you're going into recalled memory, so if I said to you what did you do on New Year's Eve, when we're trying to remember a real experience, our eyes tend to go to the left and often upwards, and that would mean that you're revisiting the whole experience in your mind. If on the other hand you thought to yourself, mmm rolling in the gutter, maybe I shouldn't tell her this, you know, sort of – then your eyes would probably go to the right and you'd be making a story up then, and if they go down, that's more of a verbal communication with yourself, you're discussing how to put it into words

H: Oh that's very interesting 'cos the study that I referred to a minute ago, this Optrex study, that's probably why ¾ of people do look into their partner's eyes to try and gauge what's going on

J: Oh yes

H: And I think we're all aware aren't we, that's another thing that came out of the study –

J: Absolutely

H: That it's very important

J: I mean it was a vast percentage of people that interestingly in the study said yes I'm aware it's important. I was delighted to be honest, because most people, I thought were going to say oh no it's what you say to somebody, but body language is 55% of the perceived impact of communication, and I think mothers do it with children don't they, you know did you eat that biscuit, and they'll be looking into the child's eyes and of course that's when we start trying to do a cover-up

H: Yes

J: I mean children will often do a whole head masking, I mean we can't do that if we're at work and the boss says did you send that document out, going yes like that is not going to work

H: Yes

J: But you know we will use what are called evasive eye gestures, and also we get things that are physiological which may be things like a faster blink rate when we get irritated or anxious, you can often see somebody that's trying to sit on their aggression at work, but they're coming at somebody with a faster blink – no I'm not annoyed you know and you think yes you are

H: Yes, yes

J: Actually, you're nearly blinking me to death! So – it's great that – but the other thing I worry about is that – and it also came up in the survey that although people are aware how important it is, they're also very, very high percentage in the survey also said that they're aware that their eyes are letting them down, that they look tired, that their eyes are looking exhausted a lot of the time, that they look unhealthy, and that's the other thing that we look for as an animal, we're looking for health from the eye, because whites and – women in particular – women display more white of the eye than men because men, if you go back into evolution, men would naturally be the hunters

H: Yes

J: Therefore they'd have that kind of slightly squintier eye looking into the horizon, like David Beckham, but women have got the slightly wider, because most of our work was close-up

H: That's interesting

J: so we give away more

H: Yes, that's fascinating. And when people talk about this tired eyes and unhealthy eyes thing, it's a fact of modern life isn't it, the way we live today is not helpful to our eyes. A lot of us are staring into screens and we're in polluted environments. What can we do to help all of that?

J: I mean number one recognise that, the human eye is not supposed to be looking at – we are long sighted by nature, so we're demanding too much, we sit for hours in front of the computer screen, people have usually got the Blackberries going as well, you know they get home, they're back on the computer again or they're reading books and things like that. So I kind of call it eye exhaustion, but eye tiredness, dry eyes because of all the air conditioning, central heating

H: Yes

J: I mean most offices to be honest you would not put an antique piece of furniture in there because it would dry, but there's all these eyeballs sizzling away –

H: Sure

J: So yes we need to find ways to make them look fresher, and if that's not going to happen naturally, I mean great things like the eye mist spray, the Optrex eye mist spray which is where you could take it on a date which is great, I mean you might have to duck under the table and have a quick – but you can spray it over the closed eye and – and this is the great thing, this was the clincher for me – you can spray it over make-up which, and in fact these days might be useful to men as well because Russell Brand manliner or whatever it's called

H: Yes. And what about contact lens wearers, can you spray it on top?

J: Yes

H: Ah, because that's always been an issue for me with anything like that

J: Yes it's – and an awful lot of people don't like putting drops in as well – I mean it's not very romantic on a date to go excuse me I'll just make my eyes look nice –

H: Yes – probably do it just before you go on the date, not during dinner

J: Flossing and –

H: Yes – no but you say flossing, it's a bit like, you know when you are – if you've been at work all day and you're about to go off on a date or whatever – or an interview or whatever it is – you want to freshen up, it's a bit like cleaning your teeth, you know keeping your toothbrush in the bottom drawer of your desk, quick brush of the teeth, quick squirt on the eyes and you feel really refreshed don't you?

J: Absolutely – and often at work it's a kind of fake tiredness, I don't know if you ever get that where you finish the day and you think you feel absolutely exhausted, I'm really tired, but if you do something like that you suddenly find it really wasn't, it was just mental tiredness

H: For sure

J: And it refreshes you, yes

H: And it's great, we could chat on for about 3 hours but we ought to look at some questions, and in fact you've just answered Charlie's question, I don't know whether Charlie's a boy or a girl but anyway, he or she gets bloodshot eyes all the time, what can he or she do to get them looking nicer? So you've just answered that

J: I mean you could look at, you know perhaps – you know that thing where you need to glance away from the screen if you're using the screen a lot?

H: Yes

J: I think people have forgotten to do that, that was a bit of a health and safety rule but I've noticed now, even because you've got the screen saver on as well they're sort of sitting there completely gazing at that, so the glancing away and looking at a long distant horizon is a good idea, but the eye spray would be perfect because you could use it at work, and as I say, colleagues would not wonder what you were up to

H: Yes quite, under the desk! Lucy has sent a question in, she wants to know how she can be more assertive with her eyes and body language when she's in professional and social situations, without coming across too aggressive?

J: That's the problem, most people, they go from completely passive with lots of closed gestures to suddenly Simon Cowell has cropped out, you know they're doing this alpha stuff that people find quite –

H: David Brent kind of –

J: Yes exactly, so again subtle. Number one I would say to anybody, get in front of a full length mirror at home, get a chair and just move around and see how you look, but most of it comes from number one posture, it's holding yourself in a way that looks as though you like being in your own skin, make great entrances, that is so important. Most people come into a room looking haunted and hunted, you know they've got that kind of – awfully submissive look and then they warm up later on, so I always ask people to pause before they walk in and stretch up a little bit and then relax your facial expression, I call it ironing it out because most people, you know when you've come to work and you've commuted and your face has gone like tight knitting –

H: Yes

J: You know

H: Yes you feel it don't you sometimes –

J: You walk in like that – yes and it's just ironing that out in your mind and relaxing it, but putting the expression in your eye as though you know you're going to meet a really good friend when you get in there, so it warms up the eye expression, and then the other thing, and this would be one of the best assertiveness tips, learn how to shake hands well and learn to instigate the handshake when possible

H: Right

J: A good, confident handshake will let somebody know that you're confident and comfortable

H: Yes and not that kind of just end of the fingers thing

J: I call that the hamster shake

H: Yes

J: It's like a little – or you get the, you know the dead fish?

H: Yes

J: Or the people that very thoughtfully wipe it before they –

H: Oooh nice!

J: I'd rather not, thank you.

H: David Brent again

J: The bone cruncher, I mean keeping bags in your left hand, going in with the right hand, and the other thing is, a lot of people, when they're shy, they put their hand out but then they don't use eye contact which is a bit like you're going to slap somebody round the face, so extend the hand and engage in eye contact, and smile with the eyes, you don't – the mouth is not so important for a smile but it's the smiles in the eyes people will know that you're smiling

H: Yes. It's interesting that actually, when I help people with their media training, even on radio you must smile, because you can hear it

J: Oh for sure

H: Can't you?

J: I mean I've done one from home before about midnight and sitting there in the jimjams thinking when are they coming through, and the minute you hear them say we're going to you, you sort of put this brilliant smile on your face, but you can hear the smile, you're absolutely right

H: Yes. Ok, Sean from Wembley has sent us an interesting question, he loves giving the ladies a wink but sometimes –

J: Sean!

H: He's got into this habit when he's signing off at a business meeting, he knows it's a bit cheesy – how can he train himself out of it? Well is it wrong, is it cheesy, in a work situation first of all?

J: Sean's looking at two reasons for his winking, and funnily enough he's picked on the wrong one to change. Giving the ladies a wink at work can literally be deemed to be sexual harassment, I hate to be a killjoy on this one, I mean I don't think it's that bad, I come from south London and everybody winks at everybody else, but it is deemed a sign of sexual appreciation, so he needs to be careful with that one in the workplace, but winking at the end, if he's giving a presentation or talking to people, it depends on the group because when you do it with people you know it's actually called a collusion gesture, and if you remember Anne Robinson when she's on television, she always finishes with a – and it's a kind of I'm not really that bad actually and we're all having a bit of a laugh

H: Yes

J: So – I mean Sarah Palin, I don't know if you –

H: Oh yes I remember yes

J: In the election, remember, you know doing – and in a way it was quite a good tie sign, most people thought oh she's quite friendly

H: What's a tie sign?

J: A tie sign is anything that bonds you, it's a small gesture, like a – I mean if we were at a party and somebody said something I just looked at you like that, that would be a tie sign or Tom Cruise famously does little taps when, when he was with Nicole Kidman they used to stand in front of the red carpet audience and you could actually see him tapping her and it would be one to turn round, two to let's go in now, so it's those – or it might be an eye flash, you know when you're at a party with your other half

H: Yes

J: And they're oh not another drink, and you give them a look

H: Yes

J: It's those tiny little signals that are a whole load of verbal communications put in one small sign

H: It's a very economical way of communicating actually isn't it?

J: Oh – and they pretend they don't know what you're saying

H: Oh yes, yes

J: Go now, put that drink down

H: Then you throw a plate at them and they really get the message!

J: Yes, that's a big tie sign

H: Yes exactly! Just to go back to the winking then and the Sarah Palin thing, do you think that was a good idea or did it backfire on her?

J: I think it was a very good idea because I think it worked for the audience. Sometimes when you're talking to a large audience it's easy to lose track of the individual people within that audience and I think – I think it work – it's not something I would say to other politicians, I don't think we want you know Gordon Brown doing the budget or something like that – that's not going to work, but for her it worked. It was a unique selling point I suppose

H: So to go back to the winking in the work context at the end of a presentation, you think probably no then?

J: The only thing I would say is when you're giving a business presentation it's got to have, as you know, a very strong objective to it. Now if you sold that point and then you get to the end and you do a wink it's almost like you're saying I was only joking

H: Yes

J: you know if you're saying it's a great product, whatever, whatever – and at the end you go like that, it's – it will be called a denial gesture and it would be as though to say well don't take that too seriously, which I think could destroy the message

H: Could undermine what – the whole point of the thing. Ok great. Question from Darren who often finds himself raising his eyebrows, but is aware that it might be a bit condescending. What's the true – he wants to know what the true meaning of the raised eyebrows is? I always do that

J: All facial expressions relate to survival and we raise the eyebrows to widen the eye, and it's an expression of surprise, so taken back to the wild prehistoric days it would be that an animal had started to attack you from behind a tree or something, you'd go like that and it would give you much better vision so you could see exactly what was attacking you, so it's generally known as an expression of surprise, however if you do it at the wrong point and without the eye widening it can look like disbelief

H: Yes

J: Particularly if you raise – you know some people can raise just one eyebrow?

H: Yes

J: Just like that.

H: Yes. Can't do it again though

J: I'm jealous! But that will look like, you know – if somebody said – you know if your boss said what was wrong with you yesterday, I had food poisoning, and your eyebrow goes up –

H: Oh you've done it, you've done it, yes

J: I used to watch the Saint when I was a kid

H: Yes

J: I was practicing that one. But that could look like disbelief. But if you watch David Beckham do it, he does a frown with a one eyebrow and raises the other one and that makes him look very heroic but he's always gazing into a far distant horizon at that point. So it also depends if you do it as an eyebrow shrug, so if you just do it – that can be a little connection sign, I'm saying oh hi

H: Oh yes, yes

J: So like everything it's got about 100 answers to that one

H: It's fascinating

J: But I can understand that it could be read like that if you do it wrongly

H: Yes. And can he practice not doing it, is it something that he can train himself not to do?

J: Oh for sure, we – nearly all of our facial expressions have been learned, the only ones that possibly haven't and it's never been totally proven, the tongue poke – have you heard of that?

H: No

J: When –

H: Hey it's a family show! Steady!

J: No this is ok! It's just the tip of the tongue from the front of the mouth, and you use people doing it a lot, particularly if you watch programs like –

H: Go on do it, I don't know what you mean. Oh yes

J: When you watch people on Question Time and things like that they ask the killer question, and you get the little tongue poke, and that goes back to when we were babies rejecting food, so it's a rejection signal that we use that often we're not aware that we're doing, but most other expressions we learnt, we copied

H: Yes so we unlearn them

J: So we can stop doing them, yes

H: Or have Botox and then you can't do anything

J: Honestly, I'm like that – I'm sorry, because when people have had that I can't read them any more so

H: I know

J: What do I seem to say, I don't know anything

H: You also seem to spend a lot of time watching David Beckham, and I'm not sure that it's all for professional purposes

J: It's all scientific

H: Oh yes, course! Let's just finish with Liz's question, really getting back to eyes. She works long hours, getting more and more stressed at work and sometimes has that bloodshot look that we're all familiar with and worried that it doesn't look very good in professional situations. First of all what might that communicate to the people that see it, and what can she do about it?

J: All I can say is you know the impact of yawning in a business meeting, or yawning when you're sitting with the boss or something like that. We know that it's perhaps not because we're tired, it could just be that the room's stuffy or something, but it's almost a massive insult and it implies that not just that – it's ok to work long hours at work but it's not ok to look tired working long hours, you know everybody expects this – I'm fantastic, I've been working and I'm still there and on the ball. So it would be a little bit like a yawn with the eyes, it would imply that you're not coping maybe, that you're overdoing it rather than working hard and ineffectively

H: Yes

J: And for that reason, although that might not be right that is a very good reason to do something about it, and again it is so easily dealt with, I mean it doesn't have to be getting hours and hours of sleep, one little tip is to leave the bedroom window open,

H: Oh yes

J: I think sometimes we're not – not so there's a force 10 gale and snow, but air in the bedroom, because sometimes people have an early night and they think I still feel – I feel more tired after the early night, well it's usually because they've shut the windows and pulled the blankets up here, and the eyes get very tired

H: Yes

J: But the other thing, you know that the eye spray, the eye mist spray which would be so easy for her to use, as I say over the closed lids and it actually protects the eye,

H: Yes

J: It's not like eye drops, it actually holds the fluid against the eye

H: Ok. Because hydration is often the problem isn't it –

J: That's the point

H: With tired eyes

J: Well this would hold that into the eye, because otherwise you can use other things, but they will just dehydrate in the atmosphere, but it's almost a protective barrier that it would create for her, so it would prevent her eyes getting more bloodshot and get rid of the bloodshot that she's already got

H: Fantastic. I'm sad to say that we're out of time so we've got to stop talking. It's been fascinating

J: Thank you

H: Absolutely fascinating, thank you very much for coming in

J: Pleasure

H: To talk to us, and Liz I hope that answers your question. And if you'd like to know more about keeping your eyes in tip top condition then you can go to the website which is Optex.co.uk. I'll see you again soon, thank you for watching